Monday, 26 January 2015

24 x One Liner Gags


Women are bad in bed, Men are bad in bed…..it’s not a joke, but I am sick of hearing the punchline.

A day without sunshine is like last night.

I used to be indecisive, but now I am not so sure.

Going to University doesn’t make you smart anymore than going to church makes you a vicar.

The more people I meet, the more I appreciate loneliness.

I drank some lighter fluid to cure my clap, but it still burns when I pee.

What did we call centipedes before we went metric?

Venison’s deer isn’t it (Jimmy Carr)

Winning isn’t everything, that’s why I don’t keep score.

My dad is such a pessimist that I always borrow money from him, he never expects it back.

My girlfriend sure cannot hit hard, but she sure hurts my feelings.

I’m going to live forever. So far to good.

Apparently my best contraceptive is my face.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

If your woman calls sex a pain in the ass, then lube it up first.

If at first you don’t succeed, try skydiving.

Virginity is like a blister, one painful prick and it’s gone.

I asked for a big nob for Christmas, so Santa sent round Jeremy Clarskson.

Love my new book on glue, I couldn't put it down.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

My ex said go to hell…………so I got back with her.

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

My mom is like my best friend, I just stole her husband.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. (Family Guy)

Sunday, 25 January 2015

9 x Lookalikes - Are These People Related?

Put down your frozen turnips and look sharp. Prepare to scratch your head and furrow your brow as you try to figure out if these people were once related. There are plenty of reasons to giggle in this world, and here are just a few.



Tim Nice but Dim must have had a son. His credentials are top notch, and no doubt Gregory is making a splash in the art world painting nipples on X-rated Barbies.



Remember Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell? This kid Jason has to be his illegitimate son. Late 2014, the actor that played Screech was being questioned in relation to a stabbing and as to why he had a switchblade on him (not a joke, look it up).


She should be careful what she wishes for, I can see a resemblance, maybe they are the same person. 




On the left you see the father of Jesus, and low and behold it isn’t God. And lo, he wore upon his head a rubber Jonny and had a child he named JC.


I made it all the more confusing by keeping the oriental man in the shot on the left. Who is the father of who? Will Long Wang ever find his roots?
 




If those were brains, then she could actually believe the men that say they love her for her mind. And, I bet they wouldn’t mind picking her brains.



 Come on, doesn’t anybody think these two look a little alike? For those of you that were just eggs in the 90s, the guy on the left is beloved Xander Harris from Buffy The Vampire Slayer (pronounced Zander).
   

I didn’t think the Will picture was funny, but his caption just made me giggle for some reason. Do you reckon the hot ginger on the left is his mum? Do you think Mike Wazowski could be his dad? He certainly doesn’t seem convinced.

    
The girl on the right looks like a young version of Shawnee Smith from the Saw movies. After all these years, Shawnee has finally started showing a little skin, so here are a few more raunchy pictures for the lads.






Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Childish Ways To Deal With People That Annoy You In College



Somebody annoying you in college? Here are a few time tested ways you can really get on their nerves. Annoy them enough and they may even quit college, which ensures you never have to work with them in your future job as a condom tester (somebody has to test them!).

Buy Them A Ticket To A Local Game


Above all you must make sure he or she gets a great seat.

Give Them The Cold Shoulder


Make your shoulder so cold you could crack diamonds on it. Shun them so hard their nose bleeds when you walk by.

Explain Where Bacon Comes From


If this person is really grinding your gears, then explain in detail how their ham sandwich used to be called little orphan squeaky, the local piglet that saved two ducklings and a kitten from a wolf.

Laugh Behind His Or Her Back


The trick is to make it seem like you are not meaning to laugh behind his or her back. If you are having trouble mustering some real giggles, then think of a prank and what you would do to him/her and the laughs will come. Think of how you are going to wrap his/her phone in cellophane and drop it down the toilet.

Isolate Them As If They Were Rotten Grapes In A Fruit Bowl


If you have trouble getting rid of them, then ask them to do tasks such as fetch you a scone from a bakery across town, or ask them to find your favorite pen that you dropped on the train tracks.

Make A Comment About His Penis Size


This is only to be used in a life or death situation. Try some less harmful techniques first, such as goading him into mooning hillbillies at a shooting range, or challenging him to a bleach drinking competition.

Pull Your Scary Face


Where others sit back and allow the annoying person to infect their day, you take action by pulling your most vicious scary face. That should send them running.

Scream At Them


Let’s face it, screaming works. How can twelve billion seagulls be wrong?

Start Sniffing Around His/Her Partner


This is the fastest way to get rid of anybody you do not like. Start giving their partner the glad eye and before you know it they will avoid you at all costs. The best part is that their partner will probably love your attention and take you up on all your offers because he or she has low standards (after all, she/he is already dating a loser).

Throw A Tantrum To End All Tantrums


If your efforts to get rid of the annoying loser is not working, then try an epic tantrum. You have to make sure it is for something good and believable, such as how the yellow they are wearing clashes with the stitching on your shoes.


Monday, 19 January 2015

Real Life Food Funnies

How could they lie to us like this? I will never look at a box in the same way again.

 Somebody is going to have a good Christmas.

 This is classic real life, but what gets me is all the people that are surprised by this.

I have no idea why I find this so funny. I think it's the serious look on her face.

Sunday, 18 January 2015

Construction And Town Planning Failures

Here are a few more blunders and funny failures by constriction companies and town planners. 


We start with a demonstration on how power and phone lines seem to be an inconvenience. This would be true in most cases if it were not for the fact that the post was there first and the road was built around it.

Is it that the tree is historic so it cannot be cut down, or did the people building the steps think the tree was a hallucination?



It is good to know that some countries do not discriminate against basketball players and giants.



This is a great metaphor you can give to kids about heading on the path to jail. Keep walking this path and you will be behind bars in no time.



I would have loved to have seen this guy’s face in the morning when he tries to get his car out and sees that someone has erected a lamp post.



I just love the fact that you know someone is going to turn on that tap. It looks like such an innocent merging of technology. I wish I owned this house.



You could have convinced me that this was Photoshop if it were not such a good idea. What if pylons do not cause cancer? If that is the case, then every pylon is the perfect place for a tree house.



Ever get tired of sitting on park benches and having tiny dogs hump your leg? You need worry no longer with these dog-proof benches.




How did they get the last stone under?


If this is around the back of your house, then tell the door-to-door salesmen to go around to the back door.

The fact that this guy acutally sat in the seat is funny, but I really wish he was surrounded by people so it looked like he had to sit in the seat.







Friday, 16 January 2015

20 x One Liner Jokes

Poundland…… Inflation proof???

I slept like a baby, I pissed the bed.

Like I said to the police, if I am not suppose to sleep and drive then why do the seats recline back?

My mum was right at least once in her life, she called me a son of a bitch.

If we are all gods children, then what is so great about Jesus.

My mother is such a pessimist, even her blood type is O-Negative.

God is watching, like I said in court, I was nude in the window to give him a better look.

We never really grow up, we just learn how to fart quietly.

I was so miserable when my girlfriend left, it was almost like she was still here.

Better gun control……or at least, worse eye care.

I bought some powdered water, and now I don't know what to add.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

I bought an Inuit’s toilet seat, and now I have Polaroid’s.

The police arrested me for necrophilia, I wondered why the missus was giving me the cold shoulder.

My sister has started dating brad pitts cousin...Arm pitt.

The prices were so good, that I stole two.

A ninja parade was held yesterday, it slipped by unnoticed. 

I spent an hour the other day telling this fat guy I didn’t trust him…..it was my reflection.

I put camouflage gear on my cat, now I can’t find him.

They wanted me to write a catchy tune, so I made it about my herpes.

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

20 x One Liners

Too much minimalism.

I told a psychic that I don’t believe she is genuine, she said, “I know”.
 
I want to agree with you, but then we would both be wrong.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
I like to fight fire with fire. Is that why the fire department sacked me?
 
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you have already told her twice.
 
God loves idiots, look in the mirror.
 
They say crime doesn’t pay, but I steal from ATM’s!!!
 
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
 
If you believe in telekinesis then……. Hey stop pulling that.
 
False advertising = Press the Hash key on your phone……None turns up.
 
Light travels faster than sound right? My light bulb buzzes.
 
My date said to stop staring at her chest, I said I was distracted by her shirt, so she took it off, problem solved.
 
I saw the evil dead yesterday, my mother in law visited.
 
I asked my girlfriend if she fakes her orgasms, she said no, noo, noooo, oh my god, noooooo…..aaaahh.
 
I bought a new boxing game and smashed the screen. It beats the time I bought a darts game.
 
There is no “I” in team, but there is a “U” in Fuck Off.
 
Quiet as a mouse??? Tell that to Walt Disney.
 
My girlfriend wanted a sex toy, so I bought her a slinky and kicked her down the stairs.
 
I asked the bank for some money, they said to come back when I don’t need it.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Funny Images And Mistakes

They really didn't think this one through. If you want to abort, what good is pressing F2 going to be?

 

I love this one. I run another blog about marketing your business, and I love the fact that Oprah was paid to promote the Surface tablet/laptop and she did it from her iPad.

Misprinted calendars…they are everywhere these days.

Terrible And Funny Adverts By Estate Agents

Here are three perfect examples of how badly you can mess up your adverts when you are trying to sell houses. One woman has a dick for entertaining, another has an enlargeable kitchen and the last one is a lamb in space!

Huge dick for entertaining eh?

This sort of false advertising is very illigal isn't it?

We should all buy houses from mutant sheep in space.

Examples Of How Wrong Estate Agents Can Get It

Through sheer incompetence and dimwittedness, estate agents will post the most inappropriate and stupid photos on their websites in the name of selling and letting houses. Here are a few examples of terrible but funny estate agency photos. 


If in doubt, make it blurry...that should hide the mess

This house is a great place for a couple of young lovers.

Let's add a bit of colour to the room by closing out all daylight and adding a Christmas tree.

Did somebody in the office not understand how floors work?

Nothing beats buying a house where you can sit and stare at a warm and roaring...radiator?

Anybody else find this really creepy?

Foolish Estate Agency Pictures

Posting pictures featuring the current tenants has to be one of the dumbest things you can do, and yet if you look online right now you will find plenty of examples of terrible pictures on estate agency websites.

Was the estate agenr really concentrating on her job when she posted this? Did she have this on her phone and post it on the website at work by accident?

The estate agent said, "Go about your business whilst I take some photos...and he did"

Yes, the estate agent wants to take some photos, but not until I am not getting up until I have finished my crossword.
He just plain insisted that he be in the photo to add a bit of glamour.

Ironically, this photo was placed on the website because the estate agent was rushing due to the fact the current owner was VERY eager to sell.

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